This is a stupid story I wrote up about the dumbest newbie in the world. It's completely fictional, and borrows aspects from many stupid people I have seen in the past, but exaggerates them somewhat. This is merely part 1 of the story. I tried to write it in a way so instead of dialog being presented in quotation marks, it was in the form of a chatlog. I also tried to write it so it was from the point of view of the characters, not the players. I *think* I messed up on that part, but who knows? The quality of this writing isn't very high, and I didn't even get anyone to edit it. I just wanted to make fun of people who don't know how to duel/use JDC properly. Anyway, let's begin.

PART 1: YOBOMAN'S FIRST DUEL

Hi. My name is EvilMike. You people probably recognize me as an administrator of JDC. I have dealt with many people in JDC before, and have even more stories about them. This is probably because less than half of them are true. Aside from that little lying problem of mine, I have a story about one such player to tell you. He comes from the slum of the video game world, the Counter-Strike community. I'm not talking about some professional guy in a big name clan; this person is just some regular speed-hacking scumbag that you can find camping in any corner you look in.

One day, this “YOBOMAN” as he called himself, found JJ2 on a warez site. He downloaded it, and started playing on 1.24. A few days later, he signed up to JDC, and met me in a 1.23 server. This is where our story starts…

8:24 PM, IN SERVER “SPOTTYS WEEKEND SERV”

YOBOMAN joined the game
SpottyDM: Hu
SpottyDM: Hi*

Yoboman looked around the server he just joined. He saw a purple sky, a sort of metallic ground and several other people playing. Most of the people, including himself, had red or blue names, and that confused him. Then he noticed something that really got his attention, and offended him.

YOBOMAN: OMG U SUCK
FireSword DM captured the flag
SpottyDM: ?
YOBOMAN: Y DO I HAVE 3 HARTS U CHEATER
SpottyDM: Cuz its CTF
EvilMike DM roasted BlurredD
YOBOMAN: O
YOBOMAN: WHEN U ROAST SOMEONE IT IS LIKE A FRAG RITE
SpottyDM: Ya.. i think ;P

The game continued, and Yoboman was killed a few times, but eventually managed to kill me while I was chatting. He was quite proud of this achievement, so he challenged me to a duel. Seeing as I love hunting people that don’t stand a chance against me, I accepted his offer. We agreed that he would be the host, and the level would be battle 1.

8:41 PM, IN SERVER “YOBOMAN HERE”

EvilMike DM joined the game
EvilMike DM: Get ammo?
YOBOMAN: YES

We began the ammo collecting procedure that was so common in JDC duels before they start. Yoboman, having collected the seeker and bouncer powerups already, was tired of waiting. Knowing this would be the perfect chance to get a free point, he started searching for me. That is when he found it, on top of a tower, on the highest point a person can get to in the level: the bubble shield. He took it, turned around, and found his target…

EvilMike DM: Um, what are you doing?
YOBOMAN roasted EvilMike DM
EvilMike DM: Don’t do that.
YOBOMAN: ICAN DO WHAT I WANT ITS MY SERVER
EvilMike DM: In a typical duel, neither competitor is permitted to use shields.
EvilMike DM: It is a common rule. Also, it is generally looked down upon to
EvilMike DM: roast people when they are collecting ammo.
YOBOMAN: Y
EvilMike DM: It’s the way things are.
YOBOMAN: O
YOBOMAN: Y
EvilMike DM: Can we just finish this?
YOBOMAN: K
YOBOMAN: LET SGO

(5 minutes later)
Yoboman ran. He had nothing else to do. He had been roasted just a few moments before, and had absolutely no ammunition left to fight back. He tried strafing to the side at an attempt to dodge some seekers fired at him. Then he realized the game was 2-D and that strafing is only possible in a 3-D game. Yoboman then tried to hide behind a wall. His hunter clamed a second kill from by shooting bouncers through the wall that Yoboman was hiding behind.

YOBOMAN: WALLHJACKER
YOBOMAN: WALLHACKER
YOBOMAN: OMG
EvilMike DM: What the heck are you talking about?
YOBOMAN: U WALLHACKE
YOBOMAN: D
EvilMike DM: …actually I just shot you normally.
YOBOMAN: HA HA HA VERY FUNNY VERY FUNY
YOBOMAN: U GOTTA GET UP PRETTY EARLY 2 FOOL ME
EvilMike DM: Uh, how about this: you can “wallhack” me any time you want
EvilMike DM: Ok?
YOBOMAN: BRB
(10 second pause)
YOBOMAN: OMG!!!1!!
YOBOMAN: U HAKCED ME
YOBOMAN: WALL HACK WONT WORK AND ITS UR FALT
EvilMike DM: Are you running a program?
YOBOMAN: DUH
EvilMike DM: You idiot.
YOBOMAN: GRRR SHUT UP
EvilMike DM: Do you use that thing when you play Counter-Strike?
YOBOMAN: YES

I didn’t need to bother him any more, as he was clearly a very, very stupid person. We agreed to continue the duel. 7 roasts by me (and 0 by him) later, my most idiotic opponent got stuck in a ceiling.

YOBOMAN: STUCK
YOBOMAN: LEMME REJOIN THE GAME K?
EvilMike DM: Wait
(server closes)

FINAL SCORE OF DUEL: EvilMike DM 7, Yoboman 1


End of part 1.

By the way, this is my first war tavern post and I am not even sure if it fully qualifies as one ;P

But he knows how to talk! Something just isn't right here.


Uhh, yes, very funny. Remind me to look out for POPLE WHO TELK AL UPPERCAHZ!!!

heh, verra funny Mike.

Can't wait for part 2...

Wow this is great!

*Can't wait for a part 2*

Part 2 comes in 1 to 2 weeks maximum ;P. I am slow and/or lazy.

LOLOLOL. THIS IS SO DARNED FUNNY. Good work, Mike. ;-P

Hehehe.

WILL YOBOMAN START YOBOCLAN?

Nice story. Was it true? ;P

Originally posted by EvilMike
...This is a stupid story I wrote up about the dumbest newbie in the world. It's completely fictional, ...

Yes, totally true.

Ah shaddup. j/k

*sniffle*

Ah...*wipes away tears* A story that relates to reality is always so touching.
YaY Mike.

Fun story.

I should probably disguise myself as YOBOMAN on JJ2 servers these days so I can get you in trouble for personally attacking a real JJ2 player.

That would be such a Pizza-ish thing to do.

;-P

This should have been put in the comedy section

YOBOMAN And his saying " OMG YOU CHEAT "

Just a big fat [_ [] [_

Yes, he is being sighted everywhere. Part 2 of this story is going to be finished this weekend. I'm a little slow, as I have a bucket of homework to do on top of a bunch of JDC event stuff ;P

::[EDIT]::
I had some extra time and finished writing part 2. It's a bit shorter than I wanted it to be, but whatever. See next post.

This one was written in 2 nights, with me putting very little time and effort into it. As you can see, it is mostly dialog, and you kind of have to read between the lines to interpet what is going on. It's probably a bit easier to read if you are a jj2 player with a lot of experience in 2vs2 ctf. The teams for the ctf game were Me and YOBOMAN on red, bobby and spotty on blue.

PART 2: YOBOMAN TRIES TO PLAY CTF

A day after the sudden end of yesterday’s duel, I submitted it to the JDC site. Of course, I had to get Yoboman to verify it. I found him a day after the duel, as he joined my server.

7:12 PM, IN SERVER “EVILMIKES EVIL SERVER”

EvilMike DM roasted SpottyDM
SpottyDM: Foo
Blue team scored a point
DizZy DM captured the flag
SpottyDM captured the flag
DizZy DM roasted SpottyDM
SpottyDM: foo
YOBOMAN joined the game
Blue team scored a point
YOBOMAN: EVIL MIKE!!!!!!!!
EvilMike DM: Oh, it’s you.
YOBOMAN: U LEFT MY DUEL I HATE U AND U WALLHAC
YOBOMAN: K

I finally found him. I attempted to explain to him how to verify a duel, and after about 10 minutes explaining how to, he finally understood a little. He asked me why he should verify several times, but finally agreed to do it.

YOBOMAN: K I ADDED THEH DUEL
EvilMike DM: You were supposed to verify it.
YOBOMAN: YA I DID THAT
YOBOMAN captured the flag
EvilMike DM: Uh, actually no.
EvilMike DM: It appears as if you added another duel.
YOBOMAN: LIER
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
EvilMike DM: Verify my duel.
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN captured the flag
DizZy DM roasted YOBOMAN
YOBOMAN: Y
EvilMike DM: Do it and you can duel me again.
YOBOMAN: FINE BT THIS TIME LET ME IWN
EvilMike DM: Whatever

So then I finally got the points for the duel. He didn’t get points, as it was his first duel in JDC. The inevitable attempted explanation of how the JDC system works was attempted by me, and climaxed with me screaming “YOU STUPID MORON READ THE INFO.PHP, IDIOT” several times. After things calmed down, DizZy, Spotty and me decided to organize a 2vs2 CTF game. Yoboman insisted that he would be a part of it, so we reluctantly agreed. I did say he could duel me again, although I didn’t really mean it…

7:40 PM, IN SERVER “SPOTTYS DUELORAMA”
EvilMike DM joined the game
DizZy DM joined the game
EvilMike DM: Hi
SpottyDM: Hu
SpottyDM: Hi*
YOBOMAN joined the game
DizZy DM: Hey
EvilMike DM: Oh yay, I got him on my team.
[EvilMike DM]: Play well or else.
YOBOMAN: K
[EvilMike DM]: I suggest you use teamchat.
YOBOMAN: K
SpottyDM: ?
SpottyDM: GEt ammo
[EvilMike DM]: I get flag first, ok
YOBOMAN: K
SpottyDM: Stop sayin k foo
[YOBOMAN]: K
DizZy DM: Ready
EvilMike DM: Yes.
SpottyDM: wait a sec
SpottyDM: ok rdy.

The countdown begun and we started playing. Spotty and DizZy decided to both go for my flag, leaving their base open. Spotty took a hit, but it got away with the flag. DizZy killed Yoboman, and a few seconds later I got their flag. The game was going ok for me being on the team of a newbie, at least up to the point where I died and lost the flag.

DizZy DM roasted EvilMike DM
Blue team scored a point
[EvilMike DM]: Let me get the flag
SpottyDM captured the flag
YOBOMAN: K
YOBOMAN captured the flag
YOBOMAN: WHAT DO I DO I GOT THE FLAG BUT HOW DO
YOBOMAN: I SCORE A POINT
EvilMike DM roasted SpottyDM
[EvilMike DM]: COME TO BASE YOU IDIOT
EvilMike DM roasted DizZy DM
[EvilMike DM]: WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU HURRY
YOBOMAN: IT WONT LET ME SCORE
[EvilMike DM]: COME TO -OUR- BASE YOU FREAKING MORON
YOBOMAN: O
SpottyDM captured the flag
[EvilMike DM]: And use teamchat
[EvilMike DM]: aasdfgagfsdfhsgh
DizZy DM roasted YOBOMAN
Blue team scored a point
EvilMike DM captured the flag
SpottyDM roasted EvilMike DM
DizZy DM captured the flag
Blue team scored a point
YOBOMAN left the game
EvilMike DM: pause
SpottyDM: sadfasdgdfhfg
DizZy DM: Go to bases.
YOBOMAN joined the game

Yoboman got the idea that leaving red team and joining blue would help him win the game. So he did that.

DizZy DM: Go to red
EvilMike DM: Don’t change teams
YOBOMAN: Y
EvilMike DM: Its the ruels
YOBOMAN: BUT I WAN’T2 WIN
YOBOMAN captured the flag
Blue team scored a point
SpottyDM: fooish foo
EvilMike DM: (I hate having idiots on my team)
YOBOMAN: IM NOT ON UR TEAM U MOREON
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN: I WIN
YOBOMAN was kicked off
DizZy DM: heh
EvilMike DM: What a dork.
EvilMike DM: Want to make this not count?
SpottyDM: No ;P
EvilMike DM: Too bad. This game doesn’t count.

FINAL SCORE OF DUEL: Draw


End of part 2

LOL!


Idea for part 3: YOBOMAN tries to join DM

Mike is starting to lose his temper with Yoboman. Head for the hills.

Hehehe.

Actually, YOBOMAN DM sounds pretty good.

LOL!!! Heheheheh! THis is funny

Originally posted by EvilMike
That is when he found it, on top of a tower, on the highest point a person can get to in the level: the bubble shield. He took it, turned around, and found his target…

EvilMike DM: Um, what are you doing?
YOBOMAN roasted EvilMike DM

Either Mike types very slowly, or something very strange is going on....

"EvilMike DM: Um, what are you doing?"
I see him shooting me with a bubble shield.

"YOBOMAN roasted EvilMike DM"
He kills me with it.


There can be a lot of time in between those 2 messages. I would say maybe 10 seconds. Could you consider the possibility of him chasing me with it?

I love it

Verry Cool, I cant wait till part 3

Part 3 Part 3 Part 3 Part 3

How about a YOBOMAN treasure hunt? He'll be screaming "I'M LOSING ALL MY GEMS, YOU'RE STEALING MY GEMS YOU IDIOT" or something stupid along those lines.

hilarity abounds...

Derby: (Inconvenient) content replacement.

4I Falcon: (Convenient) content re-replacement. Please don't edit my posts like that... if you see anything not worthy of being posted, simply just remove it...

thx.

YOBOMAN: IM ON THE EXIT WHY DON'T I WIN?
EvilMike DM: Because you don't have enough gems.
YOBOMAN: O
YOBOMAN: THATS STUPIT

funny.. this has been the only war tavern-like story ive ever actually read.

I'm quite impressed with the good impressions of myself. ;P

even better, he's shooting everyone and chasing them around the arena, and they don't die, and he gets all angrified... for example:

YOBOMAN: WHY WONT YOU DI
YOBOMAN: E
EvilMike DM: This is a treasure hunt game.
Jack Flash (let's just pretend for a sec that I'm on the server ): you can't kill pplz in treasure hunt games
YOBOMAN: SHUT UP JACK FLAHS
EvilMike DM: He's right. You can only steal gems if you shoot people.
YOBOMAN: BUT YOUR NOT DIEING
EvilMike DM: That's what I just said.
EvilMike DM: You can't kill people in treasure hunt games.
(20 second pause)
YOBOMAN: THATS STUPID
Jack Flash: like certain people on this server
Jack Flash: lol
YOBOMAN: I SAID SHUT UP JACK FLASH
Jack Flash: SPOONY!
(10 second pause)
YOBOMAN: YOU STUPID RETAR
EvilMike DM: Uh, Jack, what's spoony mean?
YOBOMAN: D
Jack Flash: it's an inside joke. never mind.
YOBOMAN: YOU SUCK
(5 second pause)
Jack Flash: Mike, I'll leave the honours to you. Now, if you please...
EvilMike DM: Gladly.
YOBOMAN: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
YOBOMAN was kicked off the server
Jack Flash: much better. now where are j00?!

Mike decides to hide in a small room, hoarding his gems. Jack is searching everywhere else, and is slowly getting annoyed, to Mike's amusement.

Jack Flash: come out, come out, wherever j00 are!!

Mike decides to make a break for it just after Jack runs right across the top of the small room he is hiding in. Jack spins 180º and dashes after Mike. With all the running around, no one notices that YOBOMAN has reentered the server...

YOBOMAN: IM BACK
Jack Flash: oh god no...
EvilMike DM: hoo boy.
YOBOMAN: SHUT UP I KNOW HOW TO PLAY NOW
Jack Flash: m1k3, 73t'5 m4k3 4 7rUc3 f0r 4 wh1l3. 4t l34st un71l w3 c4n g3t r1d 0f c4pt41n b00z3h34d.
EvilMike DM: 0K.
YOBOMAN: WHAT THE
YOBOMAN: WHAT IS THAT
Jack Flash: omg, you don't understand l337 speak?
YOBOMAN: WHAT'S L337 MEAN
EvilMike DM: It's a code. L337 stands for Elite.
EvilMike DM: And since you're not in on the code, you're obviously not elite.
YOBOMAN: HEY SHUT UP EVILMIKE
Jack Flash: lol

Mike shows Jack a secret room, found by blasting at ordinary-looking wall blocks. The blocks slowly regenerate themselves, so by the time YOBOMAN passes by, he hasn't a clue where they went.

YOBOMAN: WHERE DID YOU GOI
YOBOMAN: GO
Jack Flash: j00 can't find me! lol
EvilMike DM: I think YOBOMAN is completely lost by now.
YOBOMAN: WHAT'S J00 MEAN
Jack Flash: *smek*
EvilMike DM: OBVIOUSLY not elite.
YOBOMAN: SHUT UP ALL OF OU

Mike and Jack take a secondary passage out of the secret room after tiring of taunting the hapless YOBOMAN. They begin to collect gems, and additional weaponry. At one point, YOBOMAN thinks he sees a renegade h fly by, and gives chase, but to no avail.

After a while, while Mike and Jack are waiting in the secret room for another opportunity to collect more gems, YOBOMAN runs by, and sees their names at the bottom of his screen. He immediately goes into a flaming rage.

YOBOMAN: FOUND YOU
YOBOMAN: HOW DID YOU GET DOWN THERE
YOBOMAN: CHEATERS
Jack Flash: we're speeeecial.
EvilMike DM: We're not cheaters. We're just elite.
YOBOMAN: SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Jack Flash: yarr, i've had enought of this.

Jack blasts his way out of the secret room. Just as YOBOMAN lands a buttstomp to attempt to get to the secret room, Jack trains his gun on the Spaz-impersonator (!) and fires. Gems fly all over the place, and Jack runs hastily away, picking them up as he goes.

YOBOMAN: WHAT'S HAPPENING TO MY GEMS, YOU STEALING MY GEMS
Jack Flash: yuppers!
YOBOMAN: CHEATER

Mike follows suit, blasting YOBOMAN, grabbing the flying gems, and making a quick getaway. YOBOMAN is now thoroughly ticked off.

YOBOMAN: YOU SUCK
EvilMike DM: WE suck? May I remind you that WE are not the ones losing many gems?
Jack Flash: lol
YOBOMAN: GIVE ME BACK MY GEMS
Jack Flash: What would happen if I said no thanks?
YOBOMAN: I'LL KILL YO
YOBOMAN: U
Jack Flash: Ooo, I'm scared.
EvilMike DM: Oh no, YOBOMAN's going to come get us!

Jack and Mike make a quick getaway as YOBOMAN struggles to keep up. At one point, he attempts to shoot the two, but Mike times a buttstomp to invincify himself against the blasts. What's more, the buttstomp scores a direct hit on YOBOMAN's head, causing him to drop even more gems.

YOBOMAN: I HATE YOU
EvilMike DM: You're very generous with your gems.
Jack Flash: Poor you. *rolls eyes*
YOBOMAN: YOU BOTH SUCK AND YOU CHEAT AND EVILMIKE YOU WALLHAKC
EvilMike DM: Blah, blah, blah...
Jack Flash: lol
YOBOMAN: I'M LEAVINGH
Jack Flash: yay!
YOBOMAN has left the game
Jack Flash: well, that was entertaining.
EvilMike DM: Indeed.
Jack Flash: anyway, I g2g, I hear a sandwich calling me.
EvilMike DM: I never knew sandwiches could talk, let alone know your name.
Jack Flash: Funny.
EvilMike DM: OK, bye then.
Jack Flash: l8rz
Jack Flash has left the game
EvilMike wins

there. now I've saved Mike the trouble of writing part 3 of the adventures of yobo-dork.

btw, spoony is a word i invented when i was extremely bored. i think it was in my history class. no further explanation needed.

GO TO THE BASEMENT! GO THERE NOW, YOU DANCING FOOLS! *is hit by various objects*

Derby: Filter bypass removal. Read the JCF terms of agreement before posting again. You get a warning for this.

OMG OMG OMG OMG

YOU TEAM UP IN TRESUR HUNT? CHATERS!!!!!!!!!!!!]
Y080/\/\4|\| 15 1337!

Btw did you get permission to write a chapter?

~RagE aka Mr. T

We only teamed up because a) Mike had had previous experience with yobo-sneef, and was quite sick of him, and b) I have a very short fuse, and got fed up with yobo-doorknob VERY quickly.

As for your other question...

...um, oops?

He did not get permission to write the next chapter, so I officially deem his post "fake". Call it fanfiction if you want.

I don't think that the story made was even good enough to match the other stories.
You (or I) can tell that it isn't close to as funny as the "mike style"
And two oldies (assuming jf is an oldie) against one newbie. Thats totally insane, it should be totally oposite.
And also, why would you hide from a newbie? They are so easy to beat and you wouldn't even need to hide.

(I remember when I had split screen (on the demo of jj2) and I had my friends over and we were playing with three people on one monitor, I would have all the gems and my friends would glote over having 5 gems when I had 200. --But they would soon have none All vs Me :P)


But anyway good luck on (YOUR OWN) Story.


*cant wait for P3 YOBO_CLAN
Your doing great mike.
DS

I suggest you remove the misspelled filtered word from your post, 4I Falcon.

(hm, that didn't sound like me talking)

;p